Sheriff Klein-Stuebber Lays down the law in the wild wild West Country!

Spouses and parents take note! It's been on the christmas list of every serious Gappster since January and in just a weeks time it will finally be released. Sheriff Klein-Stuebber's photo montage of his now legendary tour of West Country Britain.

Being Britain's most popular internet publication for the parking enthusiast, we have been offered the chance to get a sneak preview of some of the 5000 photographs contained within.

Some Shots are humorous examples of bad parking...

Sadly there will be no opportunity to speak to the charismatic German this time around, as he has other commitments. But fingers crossed we will be able to get our hands on him for an in-depth interview at some point in the new year...

Some are just simply WOW....

Flicking through 'Eine Kleine Pachmusik' (yes I did get a press copy... yes it is on my coffee table and yes it is as impressive as we all knew it would be) I find myself blown away by the consistency of the man.

Others display the artistic, cryptic elements
of Sheriffs character, like this one of the
Puppy Truck at Weston super-Mare...

 labelled by Klien-Stuebber as simply
 'Self Portrait' without any further explanation.

If you look closely it is possibly to
see the reflection of Sheriff's giraffe, 'Mutti'

 He is always dead central with wheels perfectly level, and a two inch gap between himself and the kirb stones.

While I have not been allowed to publish them, I was extremely impressed with the 'Alpine' section of the book. Klein-Stuebber puts his little red KA in to a super tight slot on Vale Road in Totterdown, Bristol (a contender for the steepest road in britain), and when he's done he plants a German flag at the top of it.

This seemed fair enough to me but some offence was taken and I was saddened to see that there are a few shots of it being torn down and burned by the locals, but from what I remember of the day it was all in fun.

It's not just the residents of Totterdown that Klein-Steubber has angered over the years.

Germans in particular were angered when he switched from a VW Beetle to a car that is essentially and american rip off of the beetle. Sheriff has consistently ignored such jingoistic criticism and has chosen time after time to do his talking with his parking. It's often claimed that he likes the KA for the same reason that many of the small-auto pro's do: The soft bumpers that bend and flex when your in a tight spot rather than gouging a hole through your markers. Even this is controversial as many purists content that Parking in a strictly non-contact sport, and that using bumpers at all is equivalent to loading up on steroids before a foot race.

For the record, I've never seen the German so much as brush a fender, but ironically in 1989 (the year the berlin wall came down and Sheriff found his way into a Western competition for the first time) he did test positive for large dose of anabolic steroids only to be cleared on the grounds that he had been proscribed them to help him recover from a chronic boat of pleurisy and that and the judges could find no way in which having extra strength would be an advantage in the age of power steering. What ever was going on in those crazy days of the iron curtain the truth about these events, like so much about the man, remain an enigma.

With an ability to pre-measure
gaps to the millimetre using only his mind...
Its no wonder that Sheriff Klein-Stuebber
is the international star he is today.

'

'Saftey First' is a popular
humorous catch-phrase in Germany

Can lighting strike twice in the same place...
maybe, see below.

Same gap... Different Plannet.

1976-2011

Sometimes life is a dance. Sometimes it's a drunken stumble. Sometimes its like an explosion has gone off and you find yourself 100 feet in the air, your arms flailing for balance and the rest of you wondering what the hell you are going to do about the drop. This is life. This is Parking. I guess this is me right now.

This blog has been pretty quiet since Darren Caulwell died. It came as such a shock to me that there just didn't seem like there was much to say. For a solid two months, silence was the only possible reaction.

Darren Caulwell 1976-2011

What can I possibly say about his driving that hasn't been said already? Darren was a one off. The redemptive and inspirational power of his clutch control will be sorely missed and surely remain a topic of Park club conversation for many years to come. The man behind the Park Heard Round the World. A expert of the double touch finish. A true genius of the type that shines a light on the whole of multiple reverse angle tight gap parking. That light however... casts a terrible shadow.

We have spoken before about Darrens drink and drug fuelled lifestyle. The famous after-party's that led to infamous hang overs and eventually a slide down the world rankings that once saw him slip outside the top 10. A travesty considering his more than ample talent. It seems crazy that Tight-slot Parking should have had such a destructive influence in his life where it has been the saving grace of so many others. Some will remember Darren breaking a headlight  at the Toyota IQ Squeeze-off in 2010. Some will remember his aggressive rant to a Detroit policeman that was the main selling point of Gonzo gap-parking fan-flick 'Bumper to Bumper'. Others will just remember the smell.

This is not the Darren I choose to remember.

I took this picture in Berlin, Darren and I had just shared a rum and coke from the mini-bar and were considering hitting the free buffet. If I had known that this would be the last time I would see him alive, I probably would have taken him up on the offer

I will remember his easy smile and infectious laughter. I will remember Darren the imp sneaking into the women's bathroom with his digital camera and endoscopic lens. I will remember how always ate his meals alone because he was afraid that people would try to steal his food. I will remember the kid I met in 1989 who liked to park cars. By then he was already bald as a cue ball, he liked to joke that he was born that way. DW was working as a hotel valet back then, but it was obvious even to the casual observer that he would go on to achieve great things.

Darren had one of the largest collections of Betamax video machines outside of Eastern Europe

 All of us face death at some point in our lives. All of us will lose a friend, a lover, even a child. But in losing Darren at least all of us have lost something together. As a community we can lean on and support each other in this dark time for our sport. In my mind and in my heart he's still out there, cruising the streets of the west country, searching for the perfect Gap.

North of the Border

 

At 6:00 AM on Friday morning, I received a text message from a friend who works at the Jodrell Bank Observatory. Two words: "Call Me."  If I had known what it was about I wouldn't have waited until after nine before rolling out of bed.  I would not have made coffee or calmly poured breakfast cerial into my bowl. I would not have done my Canadian Airforce workout routine or spent fifteen minutes washing myself in the shower. No. Had I known what it was about I would have jumped into my car in my pyjamas and gone down straight down there.
 

At 7:00 PM the previous evening, Jodrell Bank recieved detailed instructions on how to tune into a signal from a North Korean military satellite. A hand-scribbled set of co-ordinates, frequencies and authentification codes was sent down a telephone line to a fax machine from unknown office in Pyongyang.
"At 7.30 PM we thought it was a hoax," said Post Graduate student Khudhair Al-Muntafki "I mean no one has had anything like this since the late 1950's, We simply had no idea what had been sent to us. Was this an attempt to defect? Were we being given the location of a Nuclear Silo? One of the senior scientist postulated that we may be being shown the sight of some kind of horrific atrocity. There was a lot of talk about whether or not we should contact the military. Ten and a half hours later, when the image finally resolved, I knew exactly what were looking at, that's when I called you."

It is lucky that Khudar is a amateur Spot-Parker. It's lucky that he knows people like me that are able to take this image and disseminate it into the wider world. It's so lucky in fact that there has been some discussion as to whether or not the North Koreans were aware of both his presence at Jodrell Bank and his connections to the Spot-Parking world.

Very little is known about North Korea and it is hard to know what if any Western media is able to pass through the iron curtain. It could be that Gapping is even more popular and culturally significant there, than it is here in the West.

It has been suggested that the very act of taking part in a non-government sanctioned sport could be seen as a form of rebellion, especially something as individual and expressive as competitive parking. Parking can never be a team sport, it can only be done alone and as such, it breeds the kind of flamboyant superstars that are so abhorrent to the Junkte brand of self sufficient communism created by Kim Il-Sung.

It is also true that Spot-Parking is a sport that is completely invisible to the untrained eye and is therefore very difficult for even the most tyrannical of governments to clamp down on.

Khudarhas told me that while most of the scientists believe the whole exercise to be a wild goose chase, designed perhaps to see how easily a team of scientists can be distracted from their work, he will keep the set of instructions, close to hand.
"We've got this image." he said "The next one that comes could be extremely important, he might even get that forth wheel on the curb."

That would be something.

This grainy photograph is all there is to represent North Korea's oppressed Spot-Parking Scene

 

No Country for Old Men

The Big Duck Goes Large in the UK!

It takes someone special to plant a Mitsubishi Shogun (with tow bar and spare) this snug

Baby got Back

Parking today is polarised! While most of us find ourselves somewhere in the middle, over the last few years two extremes have begun to develop that may eventually render the sport in two. On the one hand we have the lycra wearing, tape measure carrying Smarters who are out to fit the smallest cars into the smallest possible holes. On the other are the baggy trouser wearing Bowsers, who cruise the streets in large SUV's looking for opportunities to impress with their seemingly impossible and geomitry defying park jobs.

Perhaps the pioneer of the big car style was ex-US Marine Corp. Staff Sargent  Brian 'The Big Duck' Duncan. Brian was honourably discharged in 1991, having lost the tip of his penis during operation Desert Storm. I spoke to him about why he decided to go against the grain and go for bigger less manoeuvrable vehicles instead of nippy little hatchbacks like everyone else...

'For me it's all about changing lives. It's one thing for a Jody commuter to fail to put his ford focus  into the same gap three times over, only to circle the block and find a Toyota IQ has taken his place. It's another thing entirely to find a Land Cruzer there taking up every available inch. That's the kind of thing that shakes a man up, you know, bust's him out of his daily routine; maybe makes him re-evaluate his life and take a few risks for a change.'

Baby got Front too..

Perpendiculous!

'It's also about the sense of achievement' He says. 'My Shogun might not look like the perfect tool for the job, but I know it so well now, I know it's every dimension, I'm pretty sure I could dock almost anywhere even with eyes closed.'

Brian is in the UK filming an advert for Mitzubishi, So it's no wonder he is singing it's praises.  As he's an old friend he was kind enough to take up the challenge of an early morning circuit of one of our favourite routes: A rush-hour tour of the Clifton area in Bristol. With a the kind of luck that the Big Duck is famous for he spotted this hole inside of half an hour and in front of three utterly bemused onlookers pulled off a close to perfect park.

Apart from the advert... those lucky few that seek him out will find Brian doing a selection of car show demo's around the country. He will be at the Birmingham NEC on the 15th for the PistonHeads Performance Car Show 2011 and also in the O2 Arena on the 28th for the International Autoshow. We at 100% Awesome would strongly advise that novice and expert alike go and take a look at this remarkable man in action, for anyone that does is sure to learn something new about the sport they love.

Moving up the Pecking Order!

Slope Motion Replay

Darren Caulwell provides the perfect answer to his critics with this super tight sloper on one of the seven hills of Bath

Those who are familiar with 100% Awesome will be well aware of Darren Caulwell, some call him the David Beckham of the street parking universe, others say that can't be true because he's not married to an emaciated Prada-wrapped baby-maker in shades. He's not actually married at all, although he is on the look out so watch this space. 

The Park Heard Round the World

The now infamous 'Park Heard round the World' made Darren the poster-boy for a new generation of gap hungry enthusiasts. Not all the publicity he received was positive however, Darren was accused of faking the shot in a number of ways, some suggested that he had used a crane, others that the rover had been modified to allow for 180 degree rear lock, some that he simply brought in his flankers after the fact or even that the picture itself was a photo-shop forgery. The negative press took it's toll however with Darren performing well below his best in competition, and rumours surfacing about the self destructive nature of his night-life. Among other things Darren gained the unwelcome nickname of 'The Drunken Master' a name he felt he had to live up to.

 The Drunken Master works his unfocused magic on the streets of Bristol 

'I hit rock bottom,' says Darren 'There were times when I didn't know who or where I was, I remember getting really sick one night and sleeping in the back of the rover. I woke up and I had soiled myself all over the back seat. I just looked at myself in the rear view mirror and burst into tears. There were no excuses left at that point.  I decided I needed to do something about it. Since then I've been clean as a whistle.'

One legitimate criticism that has been levelled at the PHRTW is that it's clearly been done on a very wide, flat road. When I met him last year we discussed the possibility of his wowing us with a similar gap but placed in a more extreme environment. Since he has been out of rehab he has been on the prowl, crawling the kerbs of Bath in search of the perfect hillside hole. With the shot above he thinks he may be getting close.

'Don't get me wrong' Says Darren 'This is a great gap, It's just not Darren Caulwell great. What excites me is that I have found somewhere promising to look. The picture doesn't do the slope justice really, it's close to Hedgemead Park, a park that only exists because the hill is too steep to build on without causing landslides. Add that to Georgian roads meant for horse and foot traffic and the additional space pressure of a new residents-only parking zone close by and you have the prefect playground for someone like me. It really is only a matter of time before I find that holey grail. I just hope it happens before my clutch wears out.'

If Darren really can conquer his demons then he has the potential to be one of the greatest gappers ever to grace the sport. Only time will tell if he has the fortitude to live by the courage of his convictions.

As the late great Gerry Fawn used to say, 'The road of life isn't always flat and wide, sometimes it's a 1 in 3 hill with barely an inch between wing-mirrors. Success isn't about the days when you slip in easy, it's about getting up and getting out of bed on all the days when you don't, all in hope that that holy grail is just a few more streets away.'

Baltimore Drive

Clydell Brock's now infamous 'Double Touch' finish

The mean streets of Baltimore are probably not first place in the world you would look for parking expertise. In the state of Maryland, parking anywhere without a clear foot and a half of clearance at either end is illegal. But here in this most maligned of America's troubled inner cities the people have found a new way to find release from the chaotic brutality of their daily lives.

Former car thief and small-time drug dealer, Clydell, has been shot three times, (although one of those was a hunting accident) and has a rap sheet as long as his wheel base and tow bar combined. In our short acquaintance together he was happy to tell me that he too had shot at people. I was unsure as to whether on not this was simply bravado. In the culture of the ghetto, to have never pulled a gun in anger marks you out as weak and even though Clydell is mostly free the dark web of the concrete killing fields, it's unforgiving tendrils still pull at the core of him. He hopes to help others still trapped in the spiral of poverty and violence so so nearly saw him, and his obvious parking talent, become just another figure in an increasingly troubling set of statistics. In order to do this, like the bodhisattva of the Buddhist tradition, he must keep his connection to the street alive. I look at him across the Formica table of a greasy spoon, the smell of coffee and eggs in the air. In front of the back-lit wall mounted menu, he looks ridiculously solid, like a man carved of wood, eminently respectable in any circle of society.

"It's a f**ked up situation in the city... we try'na change that the best way we know how... " 

Clydell Brock takes troubled teens from the City's parole system and introduces them  to the semi-legal but stabilising world of competitive parking. In his languid Baltimore drone, he waxes lyrical about "a world away from the world, "This roll bar and glass... this is a metal cage, not designed to keep you, the menace, away from the street but to keep the street and all it's corruptive power, away from you.

On the weekdays, that's about the only time when we head out separate... but on a Sunday we ride together, we everywhere together, we making gaps, building spaces on spaces man, four cars in for three. rolling tight. like a unit."

Brock has been accused of inspiring street gangs not involved with his organisation into stealing cars and then dumping them in impossibly tight spots. So tight that the police cannot get them out again without using cranes. It is often cheaper and faster to hire the same group of kids responsible for the theft to get the cars back into the open, and as such has become a lucrative source of ghetto income.  Brock laughs when I put this to him.

"We ain't out here to hurt nobody... I mean we understand we breaking the law but. you know.. even the police break the law. And anyway man, parking cars be a hell of lot better than slinging rock right?"

With his infectious smile just a few feet away, I admit that I am forced to agree.

The famous Double Touch shot at the top of this article is probably the first time an image of tight parking has graced the sleeve of a hip hop album, or been featured on MTV. Brock tells me the story behind it.

"It ain't just the parking,  fact is that it's out front a crack house. Add to that that two days earlier the police came by and put up that sign telling us to respect the gap limit, but didn't do nothing about house they put it next to. They wanna clamp down on us because we easy, We ain't out there packing guns and dropping bodies, it's crazy. That shot there ain't about recreation, it's a political statement, that's why it got the reach that it got."

Brock's world of police crackdowns is a million miles away from official competitions and gentlemanly camaraderie of the UK scene but there is hope that we can bring the two together.  Before I leave I hand him four tickets to next years World Championships, I tell him that 100% awesome wants him and three of his best to be there.

Watch this space people, beacuse as Clydell Brock would put it, 

'The whole damn games about to change.' 

Family Values

Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the gaps of London

Parking Isn't meant to be exclusive, it's not a sport for young men, or old men, or even middle aged men. It's not for the rich, it's not for the poor. Its not for the good or the bad, it's a sport for everyone. Even those that find themselves temporarily lost in the foothills of redemption. 

What you are seeing in the pictures is living proof of that.


Timothy Carraway is a Family man and he drives a Family car. (Peugeot 206 Estate!) What at first looks like a bit of extra air at the back end is in fact a four inch tow-bar that Tim used to use to pull his Family Caravan. "I only get to see my kids on alternate weekends now,  but what with the child support cheques and everything else, I can't afford a second car so I have to make the most of what I have. It's important not to forget about the tow bar... or the kids. Life is all about balance"


"After my divorce, I found myself at a loose end in life. I felt like I had screwed everything up. I found myself just driving around aimlessly, enjoying the comfort of the radio and not wanting to go home to my two-room apartment having to face another long and lonely night in. I guess I was looking for something, something I could be a part of... That was when I met Gerry (Gerry Fawn) I noticed that he was cruising the same blocks, we kept seeing each other driving and eventually he pulled up beside and asked me if I was also "into parking". I mean I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't have the faintest clue that I was talking to a British Record holder at that time, I didn't even know parking was a sport! 

In the weeks that followed Gerry taught me some of the basics and that was it. I was a new man after that, I felt like I was part of something again.


In a way I think Gerry kind of saved my life. I just wish I could have said it to him before he died.

Gerry taught me to see myself, not as the driver of the vehicle but as the fulcrum, a calm centre around which the world turns. When I get it right I can leave my body and problems behind for a few minutes and go somewhere else, only to return to find my tires perpendicular to the pavement and not more that 3 inches away. These are the good days, it is important to remember them"


Rest is peace Gerry. Rest in peace.